Men are often referred to as “dirty rotten scoundrels” by the general population of desi women everywhere. They are torn apart for lying about the smallest of things, but expected to lie about their mates weight and beauty everyday. They are always blamed for having a one track mind but are castrated the moment, their gaze wanders to anything else but what should be the center of their life their women.

Do not even get me started on the use of words such as “Quality time” This is something newfound and much in vogue in the desi womans dictionary. One is in a hot romantic relationship and has just gotten off the phone after 5 hrs of yapping with her, and what does she do? turns around to her girlfriend and says oh he never spends any quality time with me!!

We my male friends are a much misjudged and misrepresented species. We are forever confused and clueless on how to step through the minefield set before us by the fairer sex. Which i might add, delights in our every mistake, stored away at the back of the brain to be brought out the next time they want something special. Remember honey…how you screwed up our vacation? whatever… Therefore in the spirit of greater understanding i shall attempt to lay out the top 5 things one must NEVER say to a desi woman whilst in a relationship.

5. You look so much like your mother.

Unless her mother is Vaneeza i am dead sure she would not want to hear this. Age is the worst thing to remind a woman off, they are dead scared of age and how it matters and all that, plus none of them dig their mums inside their heads. Hence the use of terms such as “shelf life”(what are you a jar of marmalade?)

4. You know once i was with this girl…

This sentence can lead to multiple ways for a man to die. Ok so they expect us to tell the truth and share all our little dirty secrets. However the minute you do so the shadow of everlasting shadiness and doubt will descend on thy head. she will then give you that look of suspicion every time you say, Bye i am going to work.

3. Come on what is the big deal about a few cramps.

Thats it buddy, game over you have put a dagger in the very core of femininity with that statement. Women are more susceptible to pain and sensitivity. They do not treat pain like we do, and when you make fun of their physical pain? you are just inviting your own.

2. Has that dress shrunk?

No No No… never ever say that. The second worst thing after age is for them to feel that they have become a little how shall we say? plump? say that and your sleeping space will soon shrink to that couch in the living room

1. Do you really need more shoes honey?

Yes she does idiot. She needs more shoes, more bags and more clothes. She needs it all!! why because she is a woman. To hell with what you can or cant afford. Come between a woman and her accessories and you shall see the chainsaws come out.

P.S ( If avoiding none of this works for you, then there is always the wisest thing i have ever heard about women. I.E you find out what they want, and bloody give it to them!)