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The Laidback Show Episode 3

The third edition of The Laidback Show – UpShorts, by Faisal Kapadia and Awab Alvi. Enjoy the discussion but would love some feedback on how we can improve this casual discussion podcast

Show Notes after the jump

Of eclipses and reaction

This morning the world has just witnessed the longest solar eclipse of this century. It was best viewed from a small village in India called Taregna in the eastern state of Bihar, where it was visible for a full earth shaking 3:50 mins.

Funnily enough the word Taregna in Hindi means counting stars, how appropriate a place to see the sky go dark i say!!  It seems so thinks the rest of the world as 20,000 astro tourists had arrived in Taregna and its neighboring Patna to view this spectacle. Obviously as the Indians cannot let any opportunity go by, their tour operators even ran special flights with earth and sun facing sides of seats going at different and exorbitant rates up to 69000 Indian Rs.

Upon reading all this and being chided by my nani to stay indoors early morning as its not very cool thing to see. My grandma believes like many people in south east asia that eclipses are evil. I was sitting around wondering what the Pakistani response would be to this eclipse as concerning our various media show hosts and opinion makers. This is what came to my sleep addled mind.

Shahid Masood : Ham ne jab jab dekha hay ke aasman ki gahrayon se aik shaula sa ubharta hay aur phir tareeki cha jati hay tu aisa lagta hay ke aaney wale din phir sae andehray ki sada lain ge aur is ke liye ham ab ex chief of the Isi ke pas chalte hain, han sahab kia khayal hay aap ke is eclipse ke bare me aur hame bataye ke kia is se koi waqia runama ho ga?

Kamran Khan : Aaj India me aaaa aik sooraj aaaa ke aagay aaaa chand ke aane se aaaa eclipse ho gaya hay aaaa aur duniya isse dekh rahi hay aaaaa magar yahan pe tu aaaa Karachi me aaaa waisey hi eclipse ho gaya hay aaa kyunke aaaa 4 din se bijli aise ghayab hay aaaa jaise aaa aasman se sooraj eclipse me aaa.

Faisal Qureishi : Sochna ye hay ke ye eclipse hamare sath kyun nahi hua, kya ham itne bakhabar  hain ke agar eclipse hota tu ham us se faida utha sakte, aur sab ye kyun kehte hain ke eclipse hi sab se important cheez hay, sahab important tu ham aur aap hain aur hame apne liye kuch karna hoga warna eclipse tu kia kuch bi hojaye kuch faraq nahi parta.

Zaid Hamid: Obviously ye eclipse aik Jewish, Indian, American nexus ki conspiracy hay since ye siraf India me hi runama hua aur aap note karen ke is se sab se ziada faida kis ko hua? aap ye bhi note kijye ke jo bache ki tasveer bbc pe aye hay jis ne special glasses pehne huay hain us ke glasses ke side par aik pyramid aur us ke upar all seeing eye bani hui hay jo ho na ho zaroor wohi new world order aur global nizam lane walon ka symbol hay.

Dr Aamer Liaqut: Aj subah kuch taranum sa tha hawaon me, jab subah ki aurh se aik sada ayi aye mere bande ankh mor le ke me tujhe apni jaho jalal ka aik chota sa jalwa dikhlata hun tu me ne apni sarhana se aik takya uthaya aur mu pe rakh liya kyun ke buzurg farmate hain apni meethi meethi awazon me ke solar eclipse ke doran soraj ko dekhne se ankhon ka khamiaza kam hojata hay aur insan is soch me reh jata hay ke aye mere rab tu ne ye kia banaya hay aur ham is me kya kar rahe hain. Bursts into song “dekho chand aayaaaa, dekho chaaand ayaaaaa”

If you are by now assuming that I am the script writer for these personnas, “no” I can hardly qualify as such and if I was, I would’nt have enough time from counting money to write blogs, but do consider what you are watching when you are watching.

The objective of this post is not to malign, defame or do anything other than poke a little fun at our media darlings, the writer does not question the veracity of their views or their integrity but instead wants to know the inner workings of the minds that watch them and make them what they are. All this basically means is that this is a work of fiction so please don’t get pissed..

Full & saner version of this story

Dhaba Quettakhel

On the smelly super high way, coconut oil in my hair
Filthy smell of kachra rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance I saw a trucks lights
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night

There he crouched near the doorway

defecation there!

And I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell

Then he pulled up a lantern and showed me the waay
There was an argument down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Dhaba Quettakhel
Such a stinky place
Such an ugly face
Plenty of room at the dhaaabaaa quettakhel
Anytime of the year, you can find garda here

His mind is hinotwiiisted he got the 18 wheeler bends
He’s got a lot of pretty pretty chotas that he call friends
How they dance in the courtyard in the stifling summer heat
Some dance to remember some dance to forget

So I called up the Khowcha
Please bring me my bong
He said we haven’t had charas here since nineteen ninety nine
And still those radios are calling from faaar away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the dhaba quettakhel
Such a stinky place
O what an ugly face
They living it up at the dhaba quetta khel
What a nice surprise what a nice surprise, bring your own chatai

Jalas on the ceiling
Gulabi tea on ice
He said we are all smugglers here of our own device
And in the Sheikhis chambers
They gathered for the feast
They flog it with their colored naras
But they just can’t kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
‘Relax,’ said the khowcha
‘We are programmed to receive
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!’

____________________

If you do not understand urdu i guess it will be hard to get the humor of this song, but its a spoof of hotel california desi style. Rumor has it that Wasim Sajad is putting this to music, hah Dpan might be a song writer yet. Albiet an insane one!

Ipl’s thunder stolen by a blog

As the IPl stutters through its paces having been transplanted in S.A sans the fans, the focus of the entire tournament now seems to be not the teams playing or who is winning but a blog known as “Fake IPL player”

Fake IPL Player is an anonymous blogger who claims to be part of the Kolkatta Knightriders Franchise and is a hilariously funny writer who certainly has more than required inside knowledge of all the teams happening and misgivings behind the scenes.

This blog has caused a rift in the KKR team as the players are now scared to even hangout with their team mates or for that matter the other teams with the KKR’s due to suspicion of the blogger’s presence. This blogger stops at nothing to poke fun at all the International players and what goes on behind the shut doors of bars and dressing rooms in the “IPL”

This blogger has adopted nicknames for most of the players in the IPL, and promises to reveal his identity on the last match day of the Kolkatta knight riders. He has not only stolen the thunder from the IPL but has proven once and for all that bad management and frustrated players in this digital age can lead to things far more dangerous than losing a tourney.

Some of the nicks he uses are

Lordie: Saurav Ganguli

Sheikh of tweak : Shane Warne

Vinnie Dildo : Shahrukh Khan (Owner KKR)

Bhooka Naan : Buchanan (Coach KKR)

Sachin Tendulkar : Little Monster

Yuvraj Singh : Prince Charles of Patiala

Mangal Panday : Laxmi Ram Shukla

Candy Nickle : Andy bichel

Lady Jia : Jaywardene

Arnold Power : Ramesh Powar

Castro : Fidel Edwards

Springbok : Charl Langeveldt

Ghati Baba : Rohit Sharma

My favourite quote from one of his numerous posts is

A few hundred kms away, the Bevdaas have problems of a different kind. Their rock star Peter Ka Beta, now known as Re-Peter, is all set to repeat their performance of last season. In fact, they may go one step better this time. What else do u expect when you sign on a star, make him captain, allow him to play only a few matches, forgive him forgetting his own players’ names, have fun at ur expense and then return home with a fat pay cheque. Some guys have all the luck, don’t they?

Rawk on Bloggers, Rawk on FIP!!!

Shadow Wars

On my way to work today I saw a billboard, one of the many large ones that litter the vision of those driving in Karachi. It said; “Umrah on easy installments, now everyone can do Umrah” – that pretty much put our current religious compass in perspective for me and I laughed as I imagined what the true Aalims of Islam would say to something like this.

Funny thing is in this day and age we do not really know who the true Aalims of “Islam” are or whose “Islam” is the right “Islam”?

There is the Islam practiced in drawing rooms opulently appointed across the major domestic centers of Pakistan, while quaffing imported spirits and stressing on the need for “Huqooq ul Ebad” being as important as “Huqooq E Khuda”.

Then there is the Islam which is practiced along the FATA region and now after seeping its way into SWAT, is insistently announcing its presence in Islamabad, Lahore and maybe someday in Karachi as well. The followers of this Islam say women should sit at home and not work, they say they should be flogged if found even in the company of strangers, they also say that anyone committing any crime should get a speedy trial and be subjected to the harshest and strictest form of Islamic Law, Shariah as interpreted by the ‘Pakistan Tehreek-e-Taliban’.

Then there is a third kind of Islam which is practiced by the majority of Pakistan, which is somewhat confused and floundering between these two extremes, this is by far the most silent and hapless community with neither voice in the intelligentsia nor violence a la Taliban. This is the Pakistan which really counts and our countries future really depends on which side this majority will lean towards.

Obviously the kind of warfare being practiced in our country today with repeated attacks on state security apparatus and centers of power leaves no trail for anyone to follow. The attack on the Sri Lankan team was done by people who literally walked away in broad daylight and then just dissipated into the throng of life that is Lahore. Same was the case when the police academy was attacked; the government says there were 12-15 men while those at a construction site opposite the academy itself claim they saw at least 25 men jump into the vicinity. The perpetrators of crimes like this against our land roam free and openly invite people to join their cause. Their best tool are the drone attacks which rain down death on many an innocent civilian day after day through which they paint a picture of a bleak world, Christianity against Islam, the end of times, etc etc.

The seriousness of the whole situation though cannot dim the hilarity of it. We lash women for being in the company of na mehrams while 3 na mehrams hold them down for the punishment itself. The top brass of our politics is known for its colourful lives and rose-tinted glasses and to top it all off each one of them claims they represent the solah karor awam. So what do the solah karor awam really think of the future of their lives?

Most of them are currently trying to survive this weekend, with inflation being what it is and income getting lower every day.
They have no time to really dwell upon the philosophies of religion and propaganda wars as they are too busy keeping the boss or wife or girlfriend happy with them. Sometimes they even have to manage all three at one time. Simply put they do not care as long as they can have a reasonably comfortable life and some semblance of civic utilities reminding them where and how they are citizens of Pakistan. To them the Taliban are about as important as the horror one sees on TV soaps on Star Plus, the unseen violent ones who may be right or wrong but are definitely a bit better than the government. These followers of Geo TV do not comprehend why we make such a big deal out of everything in the first place. After all what difference does it make who is in charge?

Soon though they will have to choose, between the unabashedly corrupt liberals and the untamable other side of our society – the militants. They will have to go with the khilafat or the secularism. What is sad though, is that none of them are by any means even slightly prepared to engage in this choice, nor have the tools or education necessary to make the right one.

Uncertainty thus prevails and will continue to do so till it is decided by a violent struggle, which will either result in our liberation as a nation or our death.

As far as I am concerned, from here on it’s going to be one hell of a ride and I hope to God we emerge resilient as ever with our heads held high, and not chopped off.

As published in the 8th issue of TGK

The best reporter in pak media

Contributed by: Saeed Ahmed

Letter to Aitezaz from Jahangir Badar

Please read as spelled for desired effect, this is a fictitious letter so dont get all riled up

Chory Tza Zessun,

Brister at La, LLM

Daktrate in La (Onris Kaza, Can Tub)

Member Central Xective Kmaitee

Dear Chory Saab,

In cardence with rules and sub rules, las, bye las and inlas of the Paty, in my capasty as the Secty Journal of the Paty and in consultation with the Shriek Chairman, I am sending you this notus. Tis imaptant that you take this seriously and rpoat back to the undersigned within one week.

Tis true that you are my teacher in la. That does not mean that you are my father in la. I have lunt my lessons well, and as a result, I have become xpert liar. My repootation is suppredding slowly slowly and I am naoo famous from Choona Mandi to Pani Walla Talab. I have also quired qualfications in hairdressing, inciyun of boils, bone setting and circumciyun. But my biggest luv as you know is Englush language. I can give you free lessons in Englush, so that you can become my bedient pewpal.

Dear Chory Saab,

Shriek Chairman is very angry. You are going to different different places and making lang lang sapeeches. You are going to different different cities and making lang marach. Why are you making lang marach sir ji? Are you Chairman Maoo? Are you Shriek Chairman? Are you Secty Journal? Then why are you curyating kill kill? So that Miansaab can go for the kill? Do you want to kill the Paty? Do you want to kill the Gormint? Nuf is nuf. It is time either or shut up or to eat phutta.
If you don’t want to eat phutta, if you are so fand of lang marach, why don’t you go to Mreeka? Why don’t give a dharna on the Pencil Vania Avenue? You can say to Obama, ‘Obamay, don’t send drones to tack us. Don’t send Hall Brook to tack us. Send us dallars. Don’t turn us into a cloony. Send Jaraj Clooney. Don’t send Anne Patterson. Send Angelina Jolie. You give uranium to India, so that they can make their bums bigger and you drap big bums on us, such as Praise Musharraf. Why don’t you treat us same to same? Hain Ji?’

Butt no, you want to eat the head of Shriek Chairman every day. This is the only thing you are goood at.

Can you not see that his hands are full? Swat is burning. There is a crisis. He has to sign the Sharia La. There is the pressure of time. He has to learn to sign his name fust. He is trying under my superviyyun. Thanks Gad, he has ejucated advisors like me, who don’t go on lang marach. By the grace of Gad, he will be ready before the governor of Pakhtunkhwa is beheaded.

I think Chory Saab, we should do a tie up and have a chat. We should do it privutly, so that nobady is watching when we are tied up. We can have a chat in Choona Mandi, or in Zaman Parak. But the best chat is in Bano Bzar in Nar Kali.

Let’s have a chat there,

Undersigned,

Mhamd Jungeer Badar

Secty Journal

Contributed via email by Taff Hussain of  Wimpy wali haveli

Iran’s new sport?

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Sami shah does billy joel!!

As found @ The A.D.P Diaries, friggin hilarious!!!! Sami Shah goes nuts with the infamous Billy Joel number…

Why Karachi should not have personalized plates

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