The Ganja Diaries Part II

September the 10th 2007 730 Am

on the flight back home

(A work of pure fiction, any similarity in names is purely circumstantial, written in the linguistic skills of the character depicted)


I look at watch, it 745am. The nakur lady forgot to wake me up. I scream for nakur lady other passenger get frightened. Lord Nazir sahib pats me on shoulder Mian sahib no screaming, use stewardess call button. Oy what is this stewardess call button? I say..i going back home. Today I bring peace and wealth back to Pakistan. Today I walk off to crowds and crowds of people and go straight to badhami bagh shop no 7, Nagori the best lassi in Lahore. I dant care how long it takes to get to Lahore, I go straight there I say!!

I look in side of seat, so many newspaper kept by nakur lady, who read so many newspaper I do not need to read. I have nakurs for that too. I find strange looking sashe, maybe tapal tea I think. I tear open with teeth, I remember the room of Pearl Continental hotel, and me tearing open another sashe like this…before…me and meera. Anyways..this sashe weird. Out come gila tissue. I press call button, I handle this, after all this is club class.

Nakur lady come, Lord Nazir call her stew something, I say oy stu ai ki hay? Pointing to gila tissue. She say, it’s a wet tissue Mr Sharif. Hahaha these people all mad? They keep wet tissue, what point of wet tissue? I smile and use it on my face anyways. It make my eyes open more.. I pat my hair..still there. Ahhh it feel so nice to have it again. Shahbaz was right, docter in Dubai very good! He also put Salman Khan Hair he said, I remember!

After few time pass, I feel bump of wheels. I run to window and look out, we are landing. Atlast I am backing home!! I get up, and run back to economy where all worker and akhbar people sitting. I hear nakur lady screaming “sit down Mr Sharif”, but I ignore. I raise hands, stupid driver of plane brake too hard. I fall on economy nakur lady in kitchen. Lots of screaming follows. Then one worker put water on me and me get up and sit next to him. The plane is running on runway.

Plane now stopped. I look outside windows, tell worker look at all the army and police around plane. They come to welcome me I say. I wish Shahbaz would have come also. He miss the welcome. Poor Shahbaz he got bad back, ever since he marry Tehmina bhabi, too much exercise I think. Party worker shout slogan, I smile wide, 1 hour passes. I scream at worker, phone get me phone. I speak to sheeda, bastard say I wait. What he mean wait? I am Nawaz Sharif I wait 7 years with sheikh, no more wait I say!! He say he call back, 1 more hour passes.

Bad smell come from tailet. Lord Nazir too many pakoras. I tell him go easy, he never listen, these British. They never understand. Party worker getting tired also. Slogan shouting slow now. Oyeeee I hear knock on door, Oye khol oyee I say. Door open.. Lots of army and mustandas come in. They come close, I scream ghero yaaar meinu le jawen ge!! Party worker make circle around me. Mustanda head come close smile and say Sallam walikum Mian Sahab. I say walikum sallam, teinu sheeday ne bejha hay? He say no sir meinu Big Daddy ne bheja hay, where is your passport.

At this time I getting frightened, sheeda phone shut off, too many time passed on runaway, I get scared, this is not right mustanda upto something I say. I don’t give passport, you arrest me if you want. But warning, I am Nawaz Sharif, if you arrest millions of people on road outside burn you. He smile again, this mustanda seem very harami. He say Mian sahib bahar tu koi nahi hay. At this time my heart sink. I look at Lord Nazir, fat bastard going back to club class. I look at party worker, they all looking at fly on wall. I say to afsar, give me half hour I settle this. He go away outside plane.

After few minute he come back…say you come outside, so I call all party worker and go outside in bus, bus take me to terminal. I tell party worker you stay close no leaving mian sahib with mustandas, but they not listen. Stupid party worker, no show at airport and no listen at terminal also. I will fire all I think. Mustandas very bad, they show me case against me, they threaten. I feel alone, so alone. I ask to speak to my PML they say no pml outside. I need to call I say.

I take out phone and call Shahbaz, he say bad back problem, too much pain he cannot do anything. I dial sheeda, his phone still off. Now my new hair wet with pasina. I very scared, I know General sitting and smiling somewhere. I dant like this general, he too harami. I think to myself. Then I dial Sheikh sahib in Jeddah, I say in shaking voice “i think this is not good time. I think I need go back. Come again, when mausam better it too cold outside also” winter coming, Meera also in London. I think to myself, yes Mian sahib time to go back to palace. I look outside, and say one day I return, one day I back but not now…not now.. I curse Gernal under breath, one day I show you, Nawaze nal panga te anjam nanga!!


Gulf Times for the picture

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