Interviewing Ayman

After doing the necessary business of acquiring goats by the usual means for this Bakra Eid, i came across the “hilarious news” that Al Qaeda would be now conducting an open interview. Yes my friends.. good old Ayman will be answering your questions and has requested all media outlets and journalists to send in the questions to Al Sahab. Al qaeda’s media wing for their answers by his own holy self. He has also requested on several Jihadi web sites to keep the questions short and concise. So i thought since I have nothing to do at the moment here’s my list of questions and Ayman’s supposed answers to them in an imaginary interview.

1) Where is Osama Bin Ladin?

Assalam walikum dear brother in Islam, do you not engage in greetings, are you not a Muslim? What is wrong with you brother, Osama is in a safe place, no one knows where he is, not even me his 2nd in command. We like to keep it that way so we can never be captured. Why some days even he does not know where he is, we load his sheesha that way.

2) Why are you and Osama still hiding? If you indeed have the popular support you keep proclaiming across the Muslim world?

My brother, the problem with the Muslim world is that they are all hypocrites!!! Except for Mullah Umar who I had to lend my scooter to escape from Tora Bora, they all secretly fund us via hawalas and yet openly declare they are front line allies in war on terror. You want me Brother to trust people like this? Hah I would trust an infidel more than these so called Muslims!

3) Whose war are you fighting?

You know what Brother Faisal, I am getting sick and tired of your foolish questions, it is your war we are fighting, it is the Muslim’s war against the white pigs out there, do you not realize you are all at grave danger? I know you do not, you look haraam your actions speak of your haraam thoughts, you ask questions but I know you are thinking of Paris Hilton! I will not answer any more questions about our great jihad!

4) Islam is supposed to be a religion of peace Mr Ayman, we are not supposed to indulge in the killing of innocent people across the globe to propagate it, do you realize what a bad name your organization has given our religion?

My brother you are blind, you do not know anything, who cares about our reputation? what matters is that the white man is now afraid of us. You feel cringy at airport scanners and at visits to their lands? Well we feel proud when they scan you and ask you to take your socks off! They are afraid of you!! And as for the the killing of innocents? Who the hell told you they were innocent? They are all involved, yesss all involved in a grand global conspiracy of the Jew against you and me, but you will not understand why the very clothes you wear are designed by them, I am disgusted with you! Who is this gap you are wearing, I think the gap is a big one between your ears!

5) Why does Osama not come out in any of the videos any more? Is he sick?

No No No, the great sheikh Osama can never be sick, he is invincible, he is the chosen one, he is merely resting. Why does he need to come onto video when he has people like me to do that for him, there is no need. Off course he has a little trouble making water, but that is just temporary.

6) How does Al Qaeda contact people every time they wish to release something like an interview or a video tape? How is the most untraceable organization in the world so hooked up digitally they can receive questions for an open interview?

You will never understand the power of al Qaeda Brother Faisal. We can contact anyone anytime, we can send videotapes by a number of couriers, we can use those same couriers to send bombs as well, would you like me to send you something by Fed Ex tomorrow? It is easy you just seal the envelope…

7) Mr Ayman I know how to courier things, I wanted to know how “your people” are untraceable and digitally hooked up at the same time? I mean how can you publish things on the internet if on the run all the time?

Who says I am on the run? I am not on the run, and as for all your silly disbelief at our powers of communication I shall say but one thing, it is called “Wifi”

8.) Would you like to explain the purpose of your organization? I am at a loss to understand what you are trying to achieve Mr Ayman?

Off course you are at a loss! You are a bloody infidel!! Just look at you, how can you understand the grand scheme, we wish to eradicate all disbelievers from the face of this earth and then establish a caliphate with the great sheik as our leader.

9) You wish to therefore kill billions of people in the name of Islam and then form a caliphate for governing those who are left?

It is not us that will do the killing, we merely sit in caves and send out messages, and their own people will kill them.

10) So basically you just instigate things?

We are the chosen ones, if people wish to rally around our cause then they do, all we provide is the impetus the rest is up to the people.

11) Mr Ayman do you realize you come across as the most barbaric, neanderthalic bunch of psychos roaming this planet?

One man’s Psycho is another man’s savior Brother Faisal.

I would like to add that the above is just a parody of what I thought would constitute the interview if I was ever given a chance to meet Ayman. It is by no means meant to offend anyone or to label anyone as anything other than what they are. I will not be receiving any parcels for a few days. Thank you Eid Mubarak, Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays and goodbye.

  1. Well, you got your ‘never to be published’ piece published on Chowk! Er…mind, satirical writing on certain issues isn’t appreciated by all!

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