Boxes

Relationships4

Everything is in boxes. It’s not that I’m packing up to leave; I’m packing up to stay. Stay sane, that is.

 

The boxes I am referring to are, of course, my emotions. One box for my husband, and another, smaller, box for Owen. And the most puzzling thing is – they are entirely separate. Which could be a good thing; or a very dangerous one.

 

Wednesday night: Owen’s reaction when I give him his birthday card – holding him tight while he cries – the almost physical wringing of my heart when I think of it even now – the unspoken certainty that the gaps between us have closed.

 

Thursday night: the warm glow of pleasure as my husband walks through the door – the wonderful familiarity of being in his arms – the bottle of wine that means we talk – wrapping ourselves together as we fall asleep.

 

In terms of my actions I know that I have done nothing morally wrong. There is nothing I have said to Owen, or done with Owen, that I would not also have said or done with a close girlfriend. Tats and I hug all the time; we send silly affectionate texts when we have no time to talk; and when she needs me I will be there for her – hell or high water.

 

But she doesn’t make my heart twist inside. There is no dangerous wondering when something will happen that transcends that boundary; no uncertainty as to what I will do when it does. My safety lies in Owen’s personality, and not my own – and that is indeed a chastening thought.

 

The other box is a safer place to be. When I am with my husband, Owen doesn’t come into the equation, he is given little more than a passing thought.

 

I only wish I understood what was happening to me.

4 comments

  1. I dunno about your husband lady but if i ever found my wife…hugging other men to tears i would kick the guy’s ass first and then kick her out.

  2. desipagal – ur nick says it all – ur a desi (as in local, and pagal , as in mad – as in crazy possessive and all chavanistic and psuedo righteous as all bigotted fat arsed pakistani men)

    welsh – love, forget them all 🙂 pick me.. lol..
    ok jokes aside… its itme for a little batster-analysis..

    ur feeling emotionally seperated from your husband because of the fact that you dont spend much time together, or dont do many things together?
    or perhaps because ur interests differ, he may not enjoy what you do for a living, or you may not enjoy his favourite pastimes?

    so – u end up placing ur emotional energy into owen, to fill the void
    u enjoy the feeling of a new relationship – and u know its not platonic, and it IS wrong because it makes ur heart twist inside –

    hence – if ur not careful, u cud end up with an emotional affair!

    so – my suggestion is – space, LOTS of it
    the less u see of him, the easier it will be to knock him off ur mind,
    atleast till you’re stronger..

    in the meanwhile..your marriage needs some spicing up 🙂
    relive the old days, go on dates, do things u did when you were young…
    sneak around… go read cosmo, love, theyre full of crazy ideas..
    and the thrill of feeling young and in love again, will be amazing…

    by in love, i mean, out of the comfort zone of a chilled bottle of wine and staying in… snuggling is yummy, but there are many other fun things to be done? 🙂

    think it over … i hope i havent caused any offence – just speaking from the heart..

    love.

  3. Of course I am not offended, Batty dear. Believe me, I am doing all the marriage spicing stuff and I mean it when I say I love my husband deeply. It’s just it can be a struggle when going for a walk somewhere we don’t go every week feels like a major triumph! However we have tickets for a cool beach party in Brighton at the end of the month (his idea) so I live in hope!

    And space from Owen may well be easier because he has completely disappeared. Which has made me frantic with worry for him, but as long as he’s OK, then it will be for the best.

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