Enter the future

Things are changing very very rapidly in this world of ours. This week we all came to know that astrology is all wrong and that they  (astrologers) forgot to include some weird quadrant in subspace in their calculations and thus there is now a 13th astrological sign (ophiidunnowhathefuk) and somehow I am now a saggitarius after being born on january 1st and being a Capricorn for 36 years! What malarkey I say!! However its always good to be mentally prepared for any new shock life may throw at you  and that includes the imminent take over by the big bad and hairies here in Pakistan. Come on you seriously think we can win the war on terror? They’ve got stomachs full of biryani guys what do we have? Liberal dal chawal and the commie flag? ptooooie I say we get ready and for that we need a short and quick glossary of what everyday terms will mean under them folk so here goes.

Pre Hairy

Cricket : A sport enjoyed by millions here in Pakistan, rife with scandal and glamor, 11 men a ball white clothes a stadium you get the picture?

Post Hairy

Chopit : Sport still enjoyed by millions, rife with more and more people wanting a go, a blasphemer caught in a stadium, 11 men still with white clothes though turbaned no balls just swords…

Pre Hairy

Mixed mehfil ; A gathering of people, a dawat, food, men and women wearing brightly colored clothes sparkling lights, laughter of family and friends far in the night.

Post Hairy

Mixed Mehfil : A gathering of men, shaved and unshaved, wearing dull clothes, discussions of shariah and roasted bakras, laughter of the maniacal kind.

Pre Hairy

Talkshows on Tv : Analysts of all kinds and flavors, decorum and measure dictated by who has the loudest voice, discussion on everything.

Post Hairy

Talk shows on Tv : Analysts all looking the same, flavor always measured and strict, decorum and measure dictated by who has the longest beard or who is currently wearing a bomb, fatwas on everything.

Pre Hairy

Films : All manner of movies on screens across town, cineplex on seaview featuring the latest Indian and english fare in small box like theatres, the atrium catering to the 3d crowd, over priced popcorn, still great fun.

Post Hairy

Films : Docudramas on the great conspiracy against us Muslims, videos from the battle fields of iraq and Afghanistan. Cineplex playing messages from holy suicide bombers about to go kaboom, the atrium burnt to the ground as 3d is haraam

Pre Hairy

Police check point/talashi : Stop, greet check trunk, check under seats, ask for registration, grease a palm, go.

Post Hairy

Police check point/talashi : Stop hear azan given in ear, check trunk, check glove compartment, if holy book found smile to one another if any kind of music found lose a finger if dvd found lose your penis.

Pre Hairy

Eid ul Adha: Going to the market getting a variety of goats, sheep, camels, yaks and other exotic four legged species to sacrifice, hiring a butcher doing the necessary on eid day.

Post Hairy

Eid ul Adha : Going out on the roads trying to get someone from a minority for sacrifice, if found, announcing their time of judgement over loudspeakers to gather a crowd, if not found then going to the market and buying an idolater grudgingly, getting out favorite sword, doing the necessary on eid day, wearing the bloodied clothes for days, posting videos on youtube.

At this point I feel i should pause, as further depth on this subject could lead to the idea that all the above is not a piece of fiction and satire because it is…oh my dear sir it is….please waves white and green flag!! Pleaseeeeee not my writing hand!!!

Bakra Eid

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