For the last 2 years Pakistan has been in a deep barrel of something smelly. I’m not saying this lightly, because as a resident of this great abyss of morality called Pakiland I have personally experienced a change in my life from a carefree one to one where even the drive path home has to be changed due to traffic, or bombs, or protests, or bombs are you following me so far?
Not just that but due to the war we are fighting with these militants, bearded or otherwise we have become news junkies, we are scared of doing the simplest things that get a person pleasure without looking over our shoulders and we have lost sight of what our goals were on a person to person basis. Basically we are all operating in a circle of fear and mistrust of everything and anything around us.
All this while our media operates like the corner shop sweet meat stall and tries to sell us everything under the guise of “free and fair reporting” well we all know how free and fair it is when talk show hosts drive seven series BMW’s in a country where 90% of the people still do not have a car. Where everyone from political leaders to so called social media evangelists and political activists are called to give their coiffured views on the subject of the hour but the common man is never in the picture.
Still there is a sure fire way to win this grand war of all wars and it’s been staring us in the face for a long time. It’s not about more guns or bombs or strategy, it’s about strategy but of a different kind. We simply need to stop the supply of Parathas and chutney from Pakistan. Wait don’t call the men in the white coats yet!! Hear me out good people!!
Pakistan and specifically the pakthun part of it are adept at producing the fluffiest layered parathas In existence today. Proof of this can be found at your neighboring dhaba at any hour of the day or night; one takes a bite of these parathas and is addicted for life!! Heroin is child’s play in front of this monstrosity specially when had first up in the morning with a piping hot cuppa. Now someone explain to me how the Guerrillas are fighting the war against our huge army so well? It’s because they have all had about 4 of these parathas for breakfast dammit while our hoity toity army is lumbering about swat on eggs and toast!!! You cannot win a war on toast, just ask the English they’ve all bloody switched to curry from marmalade in the morning because they have finally realized what the 1857 war for independence was all about. The sepoys were well fed on home made curry and naan and they kicked English arse all the way back to Birmingham!!
This fact was even confirmed by one of my dear friends in the queen’s country, who reported that even their office xmas party had curry and naan instead of the usual Christian fare. Hah!! I say we have finally managed to conquer them all with our cuisine Why wouldn’t we anyway?? How exciting is stuffed turkey and roast quail in comparison to a piping hot plate of nihari or a steaming biryani from hades. In fact I think Biryani is the moral equivalent of a tart, who knows what she is doing with her man.
Not just this but do we realize the power at our disposal through these newly found super weapons? Forget Dr whatshisname khan and co, we have a great new way of ensuring aid without sucking up to all them MP’s. Instead of telling them we need money to fight your war we should tell them if you want our chutney with them poppadoms you better pay up now or the supply stops!! You got that right we can control the world through chutney, parathas and biryani!! Never mind those Indians who will claim that these are all their dishes, they don’t know a pau bhaji from a idli sambar anyways, boring vegetarian crybabies.
Just think, the world is at our feet but we instead of manipulating them from our tawas and tandoors we decide to bow our heads and say sirrrr sirrrr why I ask? Why? Can anyone in the U.S produce a better plate of pakoras then us?? No sir we make pakoras that melt in your mouth not in your hand and just for that we deserve to have the world financing our ill begotten wealth, our lazy lifestyles our blundering state dinosaurs and groveling at our feet for more.
So the next time someone from abroad asks you how we are going to win a war that has suicide bombers exploding in our faces and our army hunting rabbits in the mountains you just go ahead and put that plate of parathas in front of them, lets see if they can say anything after about 3 bites except mmmm.
As published in “Ink” Peace issue Nov 09